A Writer's Guide to Nutrition
by Steve Lazarowitz

There are, according to someone-or-other, four basic food groups. For most of humanity, this is sufficient. Yet not all humans are created equal, at least not in the sense of what they consume, and so, for those of you who have dreamed about being a writer, here are the Writer's four basic food groups. Strangely enough, they all start with the letter C.

The first food group is clearly coffee. In fact, coffee isn't just a food group it's THE food group. Early studies suggest there really is only one food group and it's coffee. However some nutritionists claim coffee is not an actual food group at all. According to some experts, caffeine is the food group and coffee is just a vehicle for it. Note caffeine also begins with the letter C.

Now coffee, aside from being a food group, is the Staff of Life. You're up late, very late, writing or editing or doing research, but you have an article and book review due the next day. You really don't want to take the time from your novel, which is going well, but a deadline is a deadline. So you wake up early, after staying up late, and how do you handle it?

Coffee. Lots and lots of coffee.

Before the advent of the Lord of the Rings movie, I'd go into a diner for breakfast and order a coffee large enough for midgets to swim in. Since that time, I've changed midgets to hobbits, since that average waitress has now heard of them and it's more in line with my genre of choice. This illustrates just how important coffee is to me.

Now, I'm going to say one final thing about coffee before we proceed to the rest of the food groups. Flavored coffees are not coffee. They are abominations and should be outlawed. Coffee being the perfect food, doesn't need vanilla or hazelnut to come up to code. I know there are many of you out there that will disagree with me, but as a long time coffeeholic, I can assure you flavored coffees are the work of the Devil.

The second food group is chocolate. Notice that chocolate is made with cocoa, which, of course, begins with a C. I think I C a pattern here. Sorry, I couldn't resist.

Chocolate is more than just a food group. It's a narcotic. Before you become all defensive over your beloved chocolate, medical studies have shown there is a chemical in chocolate that stimulates the production of the same hormones your body produces when you're in love. Which is why, when you break up with a partner, you immediately head for chocolate. You're just trying to recapture that lost feeling.

In fact, I have long held the belief anyone that breaks up with a partner and does not crave chocolate is one of the alien invaders. We should make note of this, since in all those science fiction movies, we can never figure out how to tell the almost perfectly disguised alien living amongst us. Have someone break up with him (or her), leave a chocolate bar in plain sight and if it's still there later, call in the national guard.

Chocolate was originally used in cooking by the way, not as a dessert. It was first used by the Aztecs, who were clearly forward thinking. We've relegated chocolate to the dessert section of dinner, but it was not always used so. So the next time someone calls your chocolate "junk food", tell them to go do more research before they open their mouths.

The third food group is cereal. This is a food group for several reasons. Cereal doesn't involve cooking. It can be eaten dry or with milk. So when you're working on a project and you've run out of chocolate, you can still have a few handfuls of cereal to keep you from starving to death, between cups of coffee.

Cereal is so fast and convenient, when I'm heavily into a project, it's all I have time for. My mind is too involved with my story to think about preparing anything more complex.

By the way, hot cereals don't fall into this food group. They require cooking, which is just too much effort. Hot cereal also begin with H not C, so clearly they can't be a food group.

Cereals provide fast energy and the box gives us something to read while eating. This mental exercise of reading cereal boxes is definitely part of eating cereal. If you don't read your cereal box, you're not getting the eight essential vitamins and minerals listed on the pack. At least, you don't know you're getting them, so therefore it is vital to read the box to get the full benefit of cereal.

It's actually strange when you think about it. There is almost no food packaged like cereal. I've always wondered why that is. It's the only food I've seen that has all sorts of readable information on the box. Not just the nutritional information and ingredients on one side, but recipes, puzzles, jokes, ads for toys, ad copy for the cereal you're eating or other products in that company's line. You don't see this on soup, or bread, further proof that the package is an integral part of the cereal experience.

I've sometimes thought about writing a continuing story and offering it to either Kelloggs or General Mills, to publish in sections on the back of selected products, over a period of time. Sort of a cereal serial, you might say.

Now, if you polish off a box of cereal in one sitting, you might say you've killed the whole box (something I've done frequently) and as such, you've become a cereal killer. Fortunately, there is no law against this.

And finally there is another food group that begins with a C: Chinese food.
This is a food group, because you don't cook it yourself, unless, of course, you're Chinese. I've tried cooking Chinese food myself, but I can never get anything approaching what I can get from the local restaurant. And anyway, since I'm busy writing, I don't have time to cook. Even Chinese writers don't have time for that.

Chinese food is what writers eat when we go out. It's cheap, fast and convenient. On the way back from running errands, you can stop by a Chinese place, get yourself a tasty meal for a few bucks and you still don't have to cook. Then, while you're writing, you eat it out of the container. Then you don't have to wash a dish either.

By the way, all writers eat with chop sticks. Because if you go and get a fork, you have to wash it. Writing leaves precious little time for housework. Chopsticks are disposable and therefore convenient. Chopsticks are also great for those of us on a diet. Especially if you order the soup.

Now Chinese food is a very varied food group, so let me give you a bit of information. The spicier the food is, the more of it they give you. If you order a bland dish, like chicken chow mein, you don't get a lot of food. But if you order the double cooked pork from Hell, they give you eight pounds of it. This is how the Chinese chefs get back at us occidentals for making fun of their eyes when we're young. It tastes great and you want to eat it all, but by the time you're finished, you have third degree burns in your esophagus.

Another thing about Chinese food (and you hear this all the time), an hour after eating it, you're hungry again. This has nothing to do with the actual food. That's a myth. That has to do with the fact that if it's not spicy, you've had a small portion and if it is spicy, you haven't eaten enough to truly fill you up. That little bit a sleight of hand is well known to the Chinese, but of course, we never think about it. It's one of the major differences between eastern and western thinking.

I know a lot of this, cause back in high school, I briefly dated a Chinese girl and she admitted all this to me. The relationship didn't last long however. You see an hour after sex, I wanted more, and it just became too much of a distraction. Looking back that might have had more to do with being in high school than being with a Chinese girl. I'll check into that and get back to you.

Strangely enough, this is the only food group that's not compatible with coffee. When you go to a Chinese restaurant, they only serve tea. They don't even have milk for the tea. In fact, dairy is conspicuously absent from Chinese food. There are no cream sauces and no cheese. Genuine Chinese food doesn't contain milk. So what do you do if you can't have coffee?

Have a Coke. At least it begins with C.


Steve Lazarowitz lives in Tasmania and is on a diet to control his high blood pressure and reduce his weight. For this same reason, he's given up caffeine. Due to his change in diet, these will be the last words he ever writes.

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