The First Thing to Go
by Steve Lazarowitz

I have always prided myself on my memory. On an almost regular basis, I dredge up from my mental swamp; people, conversations, bits of trivia, theme songs from old television shows and other assorted odds and ends that have caught my interest over the years.

Yet recently, in a conversation with my friend Al, I've had reason to question what used to be my favorite faculty. What made this conversation so bad is that I did none of this on purpose. I truly could not remember. Still, the conversation was so funny, it needed to be immortalized. I will attempt to reconstruct it here for your amusement.

We were sitting in a McDonalds, inside a Walmart (corporate enough for you?), talking about movies. Al and I are both fairly big movie watchers and often test each other by using quotes from our favorite movies in normal conversation to see if the other will pick it up. I now consider it likely I've forgotten more movies than I've seen. This might seem impossible to the uninitiated, but those who know me will understand.

It started innocently enough, when I said between McNuggets, "You know there's one actor, I don't know his name, but he reminds me so much of, ummmmm, what's his name?"

Al stared at me.

"You know. The guy. He was in that movie with the other guy." This from a man that still remembers the serial numbers of both Kirk and Spock from the original Star Trek. You can't imagine how much I wish this was an exaggeration.

"The other guy?" Al was clearly making no headway.

"Yes, you know who I mean. That guy. The one women like."

"Oh THAT guy."

"He was in the movie with all the fighting. Fight club! That's it."

"Edward Norton?"

"No, the other guy."

"Brad Pitt?"

"YES! That's him. Anyway he looks just like this other actor."

"Rob Lowe?"

My turn to look at Al. "You think Brad Pitt looks like Rob Lowe?"

"Well, a little."

"Time to renew that eyeglass prescription."

"Okay, so who is it?"

"I don't know. I can't remember his name, but he's the guy that won an academy award back in 2000."

"For what?"

"I don't know. Actor, supporting actor, I don't remember. But I was watching the awards and they kept showing him and I kept saying wow, Brad Pitt looks terrible."

"I see."

"There are a few actors I confuse with each other. I'm just bad with actors."

"Like?"

"That black actor... I can't think of his name."

Al rolled his eyes.

"Wait, the guy that was in that Quentin Tarantino movie."

"Reservoir Dogs?"

"No, the other one. Something Brown."

Al shook his head.

"Molly Brown? Shit I don't remember. I confuse him with the guy in the Matrix."

"Keanu Reeves."

"No, the black guy. The one that played Morpheus."

"Laurence Fishburne?"

"Yes that's him!"

"What about him?"

"I confuse him with the other guy."

"The other guy..." Again Al shook his head.

"You know, the black actor." Like there's only one.

"Denzel Washington?"

"You think I confuse Laurence Fishburne and Denzel Washington?"

"I don't know Steve, but at this point, I wouldn't put it past you."

"I'm telling you, the guy in the Quentin Tarantino movie. He's a famous actor. I'm sure you know the guy."

"Oh, the FAMOUS one."

"Look, you're not being much help here."

"You're asking me to identify an actor, in a movie, and you can't think of the name of either. What did you expect?"

"I'm not sure, Al. I thought you were better than that. Guess I was wrong."

"Maybe. Then again, I seem to remember knowing you before Alzheimer's set in."

"Good point."

At this point I did my best impression of Winnie the Pooh, sitting in his thoughtful spot, mentally repeating the words...think...think...think... Finally...

" Okay, I think he was in Pulp Fiction too."

"Samuel L. Jackson?"

"Yes! Now if I can only remember the guy I confuse with Brad Pitt."

"What else was he in?"

"I have no idea. Maybe Andy would know."

We'd already finished our snack and the conversation had continued during the short drive back to Al's house. At the time, I resided in his basement. He and his wife Phyllis had taken to referring to me as the troll under the stairs, which wasn't far from the truth...but I digress.

Andy, another movie buff, was at the time engaged to Tabatha, Al's stepdaughter. That is no longer the case. They got married.

Anyway, Al paraphrased the entire conversation for Phyllis and Tabatha (Andy had not yet arrived), much to the amusement of all. I have to say it was a bit embarrassing, and not much embarrasses me. To my surprise, Tabatha seemed to know who I was talking about.

"Oh the guy that looks like Brad Pitt. I know who you mean. The guy that was in that movie..."

"What movie?"

"I don't remember the name. He was in that movie that took place in the future, and everyone was genetically engineered to do a specific job and he was going to take this dying man's place..."

And I knew it. Instantly. "Oh yes, I have that on DVD. I know that movie."

"What's it called?" asked Al.

"I don't remember."

A textbook look of exasperation.

"You remember the television theme song of every show from the sixties and seventies. You can quote movies, poems, conversations we had nineteen years ago. What the hell is wrong with you?"

"It begins with an A," I said lamely.

"Okay, let's go."

Al manhandled me into the computer room, as anxious to solve the mystery as I. We went to the International Movie Database (http://www.imdb.com), which is my favorite place to find info about movies. It really is very good, but we couldn't find a way to search on A, or bring up a listing of all the movies in alphabetical order. Finally, after wasting far too much time trying, we went to other sites that listed movies, but couldn't find what we were looking for under A. During this complete waste of resources, Andy arrived.

"Andy, what's the name of that movie with the guy in the future that tries to assume the other guy's identity?"

"Gattaca?"

"Yes, thank you."

Al glared at me. "You said it began with an A."

"Well it does if you spell it backwards."

The only thing that saved me from Al's wrath was the fact his future son-in-law stood between the two of us. It was my good fortune Andy was large enough to make hitting me an uncertain proposition at best.

So we returned to the IMDB and looked up Gattaca. Ethan Hawke, who starred in the movie, looks less like Brad Pitt than Denzel Washington does. Then it came to me.

I knew the man I was looking for had won an academy award, so all I had to do was look up the year 2000 winners and I would, hopefully, figure out who I was talking about. Not that it really mattered, but at that point, I was on a mission.

Ten minutes later, I'd dug up his name and five minutes after that, his picture on yet another web site.

"Got it! Benicio Del Toro."

Everyone crowded around to look.

"He looks nothing like Brad Pitt. Are you sure you know who Brad Pitt is, Steve?"

"Of course I know who he is. He was in that movie..."

And so on.

For weeks after, no matter what came on television, or what movie we rented, each and every actor, from Tony Randall to Madonna, looked like Denzel Washington. This bit of good-natured ribbing was Al's way of thanking me for putting him through that conversation, which has gone down in the history of the friendship as a story that bears repeating.

There is another, somewhat less expected outcome, though until now, I am the only one that knows it.

I can no longer remember what Denzel Washington actually looks like.

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