The Seat of Power

by Steve Lazarowitz

I generally get along better with women than men. This is because I grew up in a house with five sisters (and all their friends). I was inundated. Surrounded. As the only boy, I was, in many ways, spoiled.

Yet there is one area in which I was deprived. I lived most of my early life in an apartment with six women and one bathroom. My bladder was the strongest muscle in my body. Even to this day, I find myself affected.

Once I get into the bathroom, I dig in. I read books, I write, make faces at myself in the mirror...anything to keep control of the seat of power.

Knock Knock! "Are you going to be long?"

"Go away! Find your own toilet. This one's mine, all mine! HAHAHAHA!"

It doesn't matter that I now share an apartment with a single female. The conditioning was severe. When I build a house, every other room will be a bathroom. I'm going to have a ten room house and five will have toilets. And bathtubs... huge bathtubs, big enough for hobbits to drown in. With Jacuzzis and marble floors. I'll have music piped in and...and....

Okay, perhaps I'm getting carried away, but the bathroom really is my favorite room, not only in my house, but at work.

I manage a computer store and it's one of the few places I can go where I don't have to deal with some kind of nonsense. Occasionally someone will slip something under the door for me to sign. That's always fun. Or I'll get an important phone call I have to take. But most of the time, I get a short reprieve from the horrors of retail.

That being said, I think the shortage of toilets in literature, and fiction in general, is appalling. Not every house has a dining room, but we all have toilets. Some of us have shower stalls instead of bath tubs, but we all have a porcelain throne.

I'd like to see mention of it in a Shakespeare Play. Even mention of a chamber pot would do. "Nay, My Lord. I will join you henceforth. I must avail myself of the chamber pot."

Interestingly enough, on television people do take baths and showers, but the only time a toilet is seen, is during commercials and they all seem to have blue water.

Captain Kirk never used the bathroom once during his five year mission. And I thought MY bladder was strong. Just once, I'd like to see a member of the Enterprise with the runs. Or incontinence.

"Battle stations everyone!"

"I'll be right back."

"Where are you going?"

"To take a leak."

"What? Are you nuts? This is TELEVISION!"

Another interesting toilet fact may have escaped your attention. When you flush a toilet, the water descends in a clockwise manner, as long as you are North of the equator. In the southern hemisphere, it drains in the opposite direction. For years I've wanted to fly to Australia, flush a toilet, watch the water go down and return to New York on the same day. Some would call that crazy, but I think it would just add to my mystique.

I suppose the lesson here is one of relativity. I imagine an only child would not so revere his time on the bowl. My perspective was shaped by my upbringing, during which you could say I was deprived of this one necessary accouterment to civilized life. I was unintentionally tormented by my desire to relieve myself at will. I find, to this day, I love to soak in long, hot baths, because I never was able to before.

Where is all this leading? Well for me, to the bathroom. I'm in the middle of a great book and can't wait to finish it.

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